It’s been an interesting few days.
Normally, I have an abundance of peace and joy, but lately I’ve been dealing with tormenting thoughts. Loss and regret were the underlying theme. How I hadn’t done this right. How I would likely never would accomplish that.
So then I would avoid. I would read. I would find chocolate and devour it.
And continue feeling yucky.
Recently, I started taking a couple of my boys through Kris Vallotton’s Moral Revolution purity workbook. In it he quotes this statistic, “Psychologists say that 95-97% of people in the world do not have written goals and fail. While 3-5% have written goals and succeed.”
Great. Another failure. No written goals, so no chance of success.
Obviously a poverty spirit was wreaking havoc on my mind.
So that night I decided to write down the tasks I wanted to accomplish the next day. I asked Holy Spirit to help me and this is what I got:
Hope for future
Wisdom coming for you
Rise in Us
Sleep well—more tomorrow—we are yours, sweet girl!
Yeah, not exactly the list I expected either.
When I opened my eyes the next morning, I was still under the same cloud. I glanced at the list next to my bed, and if “Walk” hadn’t been on it, I wouldn’t have done it. There was nothing inside me that wanted to head outside.
But outside, I went. And talked. The first lie surfaced. It was a religious spirit, though I didn’t recognize it in that moment.
You see, my struggle was between doing what He asked (walk/talk) and doing what scripture teaches. “Enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise.” (Psalm 100:4)
So, how could I get His blessing if I didn’t start in the right order? I needed to go to thanksgiving and praise BEFORE talking. Didn’t He know that?
I felt frustrated as I realized my thinking was rooted in a belief that while God wouldn’t be upset with me if I didn’t do things “right,” I wouldn’t get the freedom and blessings that would be mine if I did.
So I shared my struggle with Him. I told I felt that if I didn’t do things right He would with hold from me. His response? “Why would I do that?” I shrugged, “No clue.”
The next attack hammered all my failings as a parent. The enemy is so crafty. He knows what our Achilles is and goes after it when we are vulnerable.
As sadness started enveloping me, God clearly reminded me that there was a sealed door between me and my past. My junk belongs to Jesus. He died for it, it’s His. No longer mine to sift through.
As I walked and talked and listened for the next hour, lies started breaking off my thinking.
Having purged the gunk from my heart, I actually wanted to sing to Him (very quietly), and when I got home I danced and worshipped (with the curtains closed).
God’s list created an amazing transformation in my thinking and in the atmosphere of my soul. Peace and joy started flowing back in and I went from feeling small and alone to strong and upright. God is good at restoring our identities back to solid footing and thinking.
Jesus Wants His Stuff
Here’s a great video about not taking our junk back from Jesus:
Father, make me into Your image. Let me see myself through Your eyes and help me to love myself as You do. You’ve washed me free from all my failings. Help me to leave them on the cross with Jesus and embrace who You’ve created me to be. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Photos by Pixabay