The other day I was struggling with not feeling connected to God. So I journaled with Him about it.
I was going to pretty it all up and give you the highlights, but decided to just share my journaling process with God.
Me: I just don’t feel connected. I feel like I’m fighting to get into Your presence instead of just being in it. And I’m getting hit with feeling that we haven’t done it “right” with our kids. But there is comparison in that. I look at [I’m keep anonymous church leaders I very much admire and have absolutely no contact with other than their podcasts and live streaming events] and figure their kids must be so close and connected to You. Then I get stuck in feeling responsible to pray my kids through.
That it’s my responsibility to get everything in order and fix anything that is broken. This weight of responsibility is heavy and not my burden. How do I shake this feeling that I have to find the “right” prayers and if I don’t, our kids won’t make it and it will be my fault?
God: Love. I’ve asked you to love them and you’re doing that well.
Me: I don’t see evidence that they’ve been loved well.
God: Your eyes need an adjustment. You’re looking through the lens of problems and difficulty. See them from My perspective. Change your view point. You’re at the bottom of the ravine looking at the gravel road. You’re stuck on that section of road. But the road goes to the top. Where the views are beautiful. Come up here. The view is BEAUTIFUL!! I have your children in the palm of my hand.
Me: Why can’t I believe that? Why do I feel this yucky sense that it’s my responsibility? And if I don’t do it right, you can’t or won’t fix it?
God: I work all things for Your good. Do you think I don’t know your heart, your struggles? Where you’ve been at each moment of your parenting? I know what is you and what is not. I see your heart. I gave you this heart. All is not lost, sweet girl. I weave it all together. Judgment has tripped you up. There is a belief that if you parent and correct “this” way, your kids will be close and connected to Me. You’ve judged others and that judgment is hitting you. Repent and release. Trust Me. Take your hand from this plow. It’s hitting control in you.
What you can’t control you feel hopeless in. So you’ve looked through crooked lens at what is NOW in the natural and focused on that. It is hitting hopelessness in you because you can’t control behaviors or heart conditions. And you so badly want peace and joy to flow through your family at each and every moment. Conflict and difficulty trigger fear and you try to avoid this by controlling your kids and inserting yourself into their difficulties.
Me: What do I do? How do I get free from this?
God: Trust Me. Call on My name. Freedom is coming. Nail hopelessness and despair to the cross.
Soooo, that’s my struggle on a bad day, and once again He pulled me through. Gave me eyes to see from higher ground, because I do so desire peace and connection in each moment. Yet I live with four teenagers who are learning to become adults with all the stretching and discomfort that comes with that.
But God’s perspective moves us from despair and hopelessness to hope and beauty because He’s already written the end of our stories.
Father, help me to find You in my difficulties. To be brave enough to share my heart with You and let You share Yours with me. Give me the ability to receive Your comfort and help. Teach me how to hear Your voice more clearly. To recognize when You are speaking to me. To not dismiss it as my own thoughts. Teach me how to love myself as You love me and cherish me. In Jesus’ name, amen.